A Wrestlemania for Mops

“What are you thinking?” This is a question that every woman has posed and every man has sputtered out a fake answer to. Most ask out of genuine curiosity. Really, what is he contemplating when he’s staring out the window watching a squirrel devour the entire contents of his bird feeder? What thoughts are galloping through his mind when he’s still gawking at a television you turned off fifteen minutes ago? Well, if he’s anything like me, he still has that “Hey Ya” song by Outkast rattling around in his head. Watch his lips very closely, and you may catch them forming the words, “What’s cooler than being cool? Ice cold.”

Recently, though, my thoughts have evolved somewhat. Spring is here, or was here a few months ago, and by August most men have remembered that they should have done some sort of spring-cleaning back in April or May or whenever spring was. Being like most men, I recently deduced that it was time to stop by my local grocery store for a mop. What I found in the County Market’s cleaning aisle was a vivid landscape of abundance and infinite variety. One mop had a trigger; one had a shotgun-like pump; one was an eye-catching red for all the ladies to admire; one had a really cool-sounding name.

How was I to choose from this boundless multiplicity? I decided immediately to conduct a little scientific research, but quickly reconsidered -- I am more sports fan than scientist. So instead of carefully observing results and compiling data, I decided on a tournament format. This will be a Wrestlemania for wet mops. The champion will be lavished with glory, and maybe I’ll sculpt a trophy out of tinfoil. The losers will be given to my sister (or any other friends or acquaintances who need a mop) because by the time a victor has been proclaimed, hoo-boy I’ll have a lot of mops.

Today’s first-round matchup is between the top-seeded Swiffer and the

Quickie Brand Homepro Ring-A-Mop. This is going to be a good one, so let’s get right to the action.

The Swiffer

First off, I should admit that I possess a slight bias in favor of the Swiffer, mainly because it’s festooned with such a beautiful name. It wouldn’t surprise me if one day we find “Swiffer” in the dictionary, like “Kleenex” or “Xerox,” two other general terms evoked by popular brand names. I’ve been using the verb “Swiffering” for several days now because it’s so much fun to say. All the telephone calls I receive invariably begin with one of two scripts, either:

ME: Hullo?

FRIEND: Hey, loser, what are you up to?

ME: I’m Swifferin’.

or:

ME: Hullo?

TELEMARKETER: (silence)

ME: Hullo?

TELEMARKETER: Good afternoon. May I please speak with Timothy Crass?

ME: Sorry, he’s Swiffering right now. Can I have him call you back?

These conversations usually occur while I’m lying in bed in my underwear, but I prefer to give the impression that I’m awake, alert, fully-dressed, and I even have my act together enough to occasionally clean a floor.

Despite my obvious affection for the word, “Swiffer,” I will not let this preconception affect the fairness of this tournament. What the heck, I’ll take a stab at objectivity and do my best to allow the Whatever-A-Mop to compete on an even playing field. But it is a pretty cool word. Swiffer. Just whisper it really slowly. Ssssswwwwwiiiiiiiffffferrrrrrrrr.

The brilliance of Swiffer: The Word is only exceeded by the brilliance of Swiffer:The Devo-Inspired Ad Campaign. More than once, glancing at my own dirty floor has inspired me to break out in song:  “When you've got a dirty floor, you need Swiffer.” I can only hope that their next television advertisement reinterprets the “Flipper” theme. “They call it Swiffer, Swiffer, faster than lightning.”

How can the Swiffer possibly live up to its hype? For starters, it is easy to assemble. The process of putting it together would be exactly like playing with Tinker Toys, if Tinker Toys had locking devices and also smelled like a sunny spring afternoon.

And ooh, that luxurious Swiffer scent. A woman – any woman – could bathe in Swiffer juice and I would immediately love her forever. Anyway, I purchased the citrus-fresh scented wet pads for this particular mop battle. I have discovered the original scent to be equally opulent and swoon-inducing. (What a conundrum it will be if I ever meet two Swiffer-bathing ladies, one citrus-fresh and the other original-scented). So, yeah. The scent is nice. Big points for that.

Another key to the Swiffer’s success in this matchup is its maneuverability. You can actually spin the mophead around in circles, and while this won’t necessarily make your floor any cleaner, it is fun to do for a little while. If you catch yourself spinning it around for more than twenty minutes, though, you should probably stop and find something else to occupy your time.

As for the actual floor cleaning, I guess the Swiffer does a pretty good job. It won’t pick up everything, but jeez, if you need perfection then go buy a propane buffer.

The Swiffer is a better deal. For nine or ten bucks you can get a halfway-decent bucketless mop that smells nice.

Result: Not bad, eh?

Quickie Homepro Ring-A-Mop

When you see janitors, they’re pushing mops. They’re not Swiffering. They’re not using some fancy-pants cleaning system they saw advertised on the TV. Nope. The mop is the workhorse of the janitorial closet. I had originally forecasted a fascinating showdown between a mop and the Swiffer: the composed, boring and dependable old-school veteran versus the glittery, new-fangled kid. This could be a battle reminiscent of last year’s World Series, where the upstart Marlins upset the steady and experienced Yankees. But it wasn’t even close. The Quickie Homepro Ring-A-Mop brings no reliability, no stability, and no calm veteran savvy. It only brings frustration, misery, plague, bitterness, and violent hatred. Please understand that I am a mild-mannered man, peaceful and restrained, tranquil and usually tough to rattle. But the Homepro Ring-A-Mop really, really made me want to punch somebody.

It all began at the grocery store where I wandered into the cleaning supplies aisle looking for a simple and straightforward mop. However, I could not resist the Ring-A-Mop’s brash allure. It promised a lot -- I counted eleven exclamation points on the packaging material. It has a patented spot scrubber! It is excellent in tight spaces!Just push down to wring it out! Obviously this product was manufactured by people who get really excited about cleaning. I sneered at all the drab gray mops that suddenly appeared wholly devoid of personality. The Ring-A-Mop was mine. I felt as if I had just chosen Madonna out of a police lineup consisting of her and a dozen retired tollbooth attendants.

This seemed to be a very special mop. I had all that pizzazz, and yet its complete instructions were listed in only five undemanding steps:

1.Soak mop thoroughly.

2.Put one hand on the ergonomic handle.

3.Put the other hand on the grip for the Patented Roller Wringing System.

4.Push down on the grip to wring the mop and then pull back.

5.Umm, you know, mop.

Here, though is a summary of my experience with the Ring-A-Mop:

1.While wringing mop, say many bad words because it is so unbelievably difficult to pull back the Patented Roller Wringing System.

2.Pinch fingers between the ergonomic handle and the wringer. Repeat as necessary.

3.Mop until the mop head unscrews from the handle and flies across the room.

4.Say more bad words.

5.Screw in the mop head. Don’t worry. It will soon come unscrewed again.

Needless to say, it felt really good when I strolled out to my backyard and smashed the Quickie brand Homepro Ring-A-Mop. My friendly neighbor lady noticed my uncharacteristic outburst and crept into my yard with a wary but concerned look on her face. “Is everything okay, Tim?” the neighbor lady hesitantly asked.

I took a deep, satisfied breath and calmly responded, “Yes, I’m fine. I just really hate that mop.”

Result: I would rather clean floors with my tongue.

Final Score

What a blowout. Swiffer wins, 240 to 3. And Ring-A-Mop’s lone score was just a late field goal that they eked out after Swiffer put in their junior varsity defense. I’m somewhat nonplussed that this tournament is off to such an inauspicious start. Our next battle will feature the mighty Grab-it taking on the returning champ, Swiffer.  Let’s hope Grab-It puts up a better fight. That way I won’t have to smash it in my backyard and make my friendly neighbor lady nervous again.

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Author info: Tim Crass is a great friend of mine. How else do you think he got this job?! Email him to tell him how wonderful his articles are or to ask questions for future columns.