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Husband wants more sex.  And she wants to talk.

Musings on Sex

*Listen to Betsy read her article here*

I had an interesting discussion this morning with a couple about sex. He's not getting enough.  And she never initiates. It’s a pretty common story.  He feels it's "unfair" for him to have to initiate all the time.  And she feels it's unfair that he wants to have sex with her but he won't talk to her about anything. 

When I asked her to describe to him how she felt when he rejected her emotionally, she had all sorts of words to describe her feelings.  What was interesting was that I when I gave him an Ouch card and asked him to go to the checklist of emotions and check off how he felt when she rejected him sexually, he quickly listed about a dozen emotions, including: angry, hurt, rejected, frustrated, sad, lonely, unattractive, and invisible


These were exactly the same words his wife had just used to describe how terrible she felt when he rejected her emotionally.

They both admitted though, that when either one of them initiated (sex, in his case, or conversation, in hers), even when neither one of them was all that interested at first, if they gave in, they both usually enjoyed the activity and felt closer afterwards.  What that really meant was that if she was willing to have sex with him, she enjoyed it, and they usually ended up talking afterwards—which is what she wanted in the first place.  And if he was willing to talk with her, he usually ended up enjoying himself, and they often--but not always--ended up having sex.

The idea is that if men are more willing to enter sex through the conversation door, and women are more willing to enter conversation through the sex door, everyone will be talking more and probably having more sex.

Copyright reserved by author.

Betsy Sansby is a licensed marriage & family therapist whose private practice is in her home near Minneapolis. Betsy is the coauthor—with her husband--of seven books, and has just produced an ingenious communication tool for couples called: The OuchKit: A First-Aid Kit for Your Relationship. Clients who have used the kit describe it as: “Couples Therapy in a Box.” For more information go to: Send Betsy an email, with your question.

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