Husband has a "Big Boob Fetish"?
NOT Pamela Anderson
This is embarrassing for me to
say, but here goes: My husband has a big boob fetish. Since I’ve
always been large-breasted, this was never a problem until we had children.
That’s when my breasts—which he used to describe as “ripe peaches,”
became fluffy little pancakes. At first, we both pretended the change
hadn’t affected us, but it has. As hard as he tries, he can’t get
over the fact that my breasts—which he once found so sexy—are gone for
I don’t know what to do.
At first I was angry at him, but the truth is, we’re both sad. I’m
not against breast augmentation, but before I do anything, I want to be sure
I’ve thought this through. Am I crazy for considering surgery?
Is he a pig for not loving me as I am? After all, I didn’t do
anything. I got this way from having our children. What do you
think I should do?
Signed, Not Pamela Anderson
First of all, I don’t think your husband is a pig.
I’m not hearing him say he doesn’t love you or he’s leaving you for a
younger woman. I’m hearing him say he gets turned on by large
breasts. Let’s face it, a fluffy pancake isn’t as juicy as a
ripe peach. But then, that balding guy you sleep with probably isn’t
quite as hunky as he was ten years ago either. You’re both the same
people, but chances are—unless you’ve got a full-time nanny, a personal
trainer, a live-in chef, and amazing genes--neither of you looks quite as hot
as you did in your twenties. (I know I sure don’t.)
The way I see it, sexual attraction isn’t a choice, it’s
a force. I can decide not to eat dark chocolate, but I can’t decide
not to want it. Your husband likes large breasts. So?
This isn’t a perversion, it’s a preference. The fact is, you liked
them too when you had them.
Unless your husband is being
mean about changes in your body caused by having your children, I recommend
you stop wasting time being angry at him, and start having fun together
working on a solution.
Breast augmentation does not sound fun to me. Do I
think you’re crazy for considering it? No. Do I think there are
better options worth exploring first? Absolutely.
After all, breast augmentation is surgery. And implant
surgery has a laundry list of risks, complications, and realities associated
with it, including: surgical pain, deflation, leakage, capsular contracture
(hard breasts caused by scarring around the implants), puckering, wrinkling,
the great likelihood that you’ll need additional surgeries to replace
implants, irreversible withering of breast tissue following removal,
asymmetry, displacement, shifting, “sloshing,” changes in nipple
sensation, calcium deposits in tissue around implants--not to mention a slim
risk of dying from the anesthesia (which I imagine is only slightly worse than
If you’re interested in
reading about breast augmentation, here is a link to get you started: http://www.fda.gov/cdrh/breastimplants/index.html.
Before I’d go under the knife
for any reason, but especially for cosmetic reasons, I’d want to explore
other options first. How about one that’s quick, easy,
non-surgical, and involves zero risk to your health? Not only that, but
it could be fun, and it’s almost guaranteed to have the same effects on the
neural pathways in your husband’s brain--and other choice bits of his
anatomy. The secret I’ve discovered about men is that they
don’t require perfect breasts in order to get turned on. They require
the illusion of perfect breasts.
I’m suggesting you make a date
with your sister or girlfriend and head to the nearest mall. Steel your
nerves with a glass of wine and then stroll over to Victoria’s Secret (or
Target, for that matter). Scope it out. Fondle the merchandise.
Feel the difference between “The Miracle Bra,” with its “removable
silicone gel pads,”
and the “Very Sexy Push-up Bra,” with its
“revolutionary oil-and-foam fill.”
Try things on. Truss things up.
Have a good laugh while you strut your stuff. If it makes things easier,
pretend you’re Pamela Anderson. She won’t mind. Then treat yourself
to something pretty.
At this point, some of you might
be thinking: Wait. This is terrible. Why would any self-respecting woman
stoop this low? Aren’t women exploited enough in our culture without
encouraging exploitation at home?
As a feminist, I would have to
agree. I am absolutely against the exploitation of women. But after
twenty years of counseling heterosexual couples, I’m not convinced this is
exploitation. Women in every culture throughout human history have used
artificial means to attract men and hold their attention: perfumes, oils, love
potions, dyes, make-up, tattoos, wigs, hairpieces, feathers, bustles that made
the buttocks look bigger, corsets that made the waist look smaller.
Women aren’t forced to alter
their bodies to entice men. They choose to alter their bodies to
entice men because it gives them power.
The point is: if you’re
willing to consider surgery to alter your appearance, why not start with a
safer approach that’s likely to achieve the same results?
Copyright reserved by author.
Betsy Sansby is a licensed marriage & family therapist whose private practice is in her home near Minneapolis. Betsy is the coauthor—with her husband--of seven books, and has just produced an ingenious communication tool for couples called:
The OuchKit: A First-Aid Kit for Your Relationship. Clients who have used the kit describe it as: “Couples Therapy in a Box.” For more information go to:
Send Betsy an email, with your
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